Conclusion

I’ve titled this series “Five Steps Before Enlightenment” because, before we can experience total freedom, we would need to first take these small but significant steps to understand where we become entangled along the way. The Buddha taught that the five aggregates—body (rupa), sensation (vedana), perception (sanna), mental formations (sankhara), and consciousness (viññāṇa)—are the foundation of self-attachment. If you’re searching for the source of your sense of “I,” don’t look any further then those aggregates.

Each aggregate represents a potential trap, a place where we can lose ourselves:

1. The Body (Rupa): Do we get caught up in concerns about appearance, allowing our attachment to the body to ensnare us?

2. Sensation (Vedana): Are we submerged in feelings, carried away by the pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain, chasing their illusory nature?

3. Perception (Sanna): Are we lost in our views and opinions, fighting with the world because we believe others’ opinions are wrong?

4. Mental Formations (Sankhara): Are we ignorant of the immense power of impulses and volitions that dictate our behavior beyond our conscious realization?

5. Consciousness (Viññāṇa): Is our consciousness so consumed by these four aggregates that we lose sight of true freedom, leaving little room for free will?

Before we can reach freedom, we must first recognize how these aggregates pull us into attachment, preventing us from experiencing the profound liberation that lies beyond them.

Three Stages of Insight

Through my journey, I’ve come to understand three stages of insight into the aggregates, mentioned in Buddhist scriptures:

1. Not Knowing – At this stage, a person believes these aggregates are the self, unaware of their impermanent and non-self nature.

2. In Training – Here, the individual begins to observe and understand the true nature of the aggregates.

3. Full Enlightenment – At this final stage, one has completely let go of attachment to the aggregates.

But the insights that I shared here are my own, not book knowledge. Master Sam Chin, Master DeWen, and Master Jiru have all played key roles in guiding my practice. Through their guidance, I’ve come to understand the aggregates intellectually and, more importantly, to experience their transient nature in meditation.

In stillness, I’ve glimpsed a consciousness beyond the five aggregates, not bound by the body or sensory experience—a state that transcends this life story. However, I do not claim full enlightenment. In my daily life, I still struggle with attachment. Anxiety, fear, and personal challenges, such as my relationship with food, remain a part of my experience. I’ve sought guidance from teachers, psychologists, and others, but no one has fully shed light on my addictive behavior around food.

Personal Struggles and Insight

What I have shared here comes from direct experience. Since encountering Master Sam Chin and receiving his direct transmission, I’ve developed a certain contempt for intellectual knowledge that lacks embodiment. Everything I’ve discussed is something I’ve personally gone through, not just learned from books.

Yet, my life as Katya—with all my struggles—remains much the same. I experience anxiety, and food has been my method of coping. And the shame of having this food addiction would always prevent me from sharing my insights, as if it will devalue them. When I go on solitary meditation retreats, fasting or eating very little is effortless because I don’t feel the pressure of social interaction. However, in the presence of others, the suppression I feel triggers my urge to eat, masking my emotions with food.

Fortunately, I now have the tools to investigate this pattern more deeply. My practice has led me to uncover early memories from before I could even speak or conceptualize my experience. This behavior is deeply connected to the body, bypassing rational thought entirely. It’s as if the body carries the imprint of those early experiences, triggering automatic responses even today.

Embracing Both Aspects of Life

I share all this to illustrate that everything—good or bad—is valid and valuable. And I do not feel any need to hide either of them. However, I also have a deep awareness of the illusory nature of these experiences. Having touched an existence beyond the body and mind, I can access that space through stillness meditation. This existence, which is not “me,” is not bound by personality, likes, or dislikes. It is a connection to something much broader.

At first, I thought my task was to merge these two realities: the Sun Face Buddha (representing the consciousness beyond this life) and the Moon Face Buddha (representing my life as Katya, with all its challenges and memories). But now I see that perhaps these two realities don’t need to merge. My life as Katya is here to learn, to go through its own process, and eventually, it will come to an end. Katya, with all her experiences, will rot away and be forgotten, but I am not attached to her. I am not afraid of death, betrayal, pain, or separation because of this connection to something beyond.

However, I still have much to learn about this broader existence. This is why, while I still have the opportunity, I am heading into the woods for another solitary retreat. Hopefully, I will stay longer than last time—if the wild animals, hunters, and other beings allow it.